I used to be okay

I just saw @anaisalifestyle on instagram.
I am seething.

sometimes when I eat I go on pro ana sites to make myself throw up so I don’t need to physically make myself purge.
fuck you pro ana people.

I hate that people don’t get there is more to an eating disorder than wanting to be skinny.

whenever I see someone reblogged/like a post or started following me I smile and am almost happy. BAM.
then I realize this means they are searching those tags and are struggling too.
then I go back to being sad.

anyone get nosebleeds, or is that an unrelated symptom?

I understand that eating disorders should NOT be desired, believe me I in no way asked for this to happen to me.
I kinda feel bad for people who do wish for it though. In all honesty, don’t you think that there has to be something so fucked up about about them to want this?
In reality they may be more messed up than those that actually have EDs in some way.
Just a thought.

I figured out how to purge.
TIP: NEVER EVER purge tuna salad. most disgusting thing ever.
seriously though I had a terrible day again.
tragically miserable

went to dinner with my French class tonight, when they were asking for numbers it seemed like a great idea.
why the fuck did I consent to that.
I only hate half of my meal (some pepper soup, some salmon, and some mothafuckin chocolate mousse!) so other than the mousse it was probably a healthy meal, and I didn’t even eat all of it.
with every bite I felt myself growing.
fucking mousse.
I tried to Purge when I got home, but I couldn’t. I can’t fucking purge. I’ve only been successful once and I have been trying a lot lately.
I don’t wanna ask for tips because it’s probably better that I don’t figure it out. I mean I’ll feel guilty and panicky after purging… but I feel guilty now.
I’d rather feel guilty and empty then guilty and full.
so fucking full.
so fucking fat.
today was a terrible, terrible day.
gonna cut tonight.
a lot.