If you need to ask, you'll never know, but if you know, you need only to ask.


Nobody understands

I told my mom how I always feel really guilty after eating. haha, what an understatement. (that’s the closest to an ED confession she’ll ever get).
and what does she say back?
“oh, that’s normal. everyone feels a little guilty after eating junk.”
I never said after eating JUNK, I never said I only feel a LITTLE guilty.
Why aren’t they listening?
but of course the intense self hatred is normal, so no need for me to ever try to fix this, right?

this is weird

today was a good day.
I ate a lot, and feel really fat and whalelike, so you’d think I’d feel awful, right?
well I mean I feel super guilty and hate myself. BUT I spent all night with a really good friend.
all we do with each other is just laugh. we are such goofs! she made me forget everything. I only thought about how disgustingly fat I was like 4 times (and fleetingly!) within like 4+ hours. that is so good! gah I love her! I think I need to attach myself to her hip because she may be my way to recovery!
i wonder what she would think if she knew though…
no one does.
they only see what I allow them to.
forever alone.

awful day

went to dinner with my French class tonight, when they were asking for numbers it seemed like a great idea.
why the fuck did I consent to that.
I only hate half of my meal (some pepper soup, some salmon, and some mothafuckin chocolate mousse!) so other than the mousse it was probably a healthy meal, and I didn’t even eat all of it.
with every bite I felt myself growing.
fucking mousse.
I tried to Purge when I got home, but I couldn’t. I can’t fucking purge. I’ve only been successful once and I have been trying a lot lately.
I don’t wanna ask for tips because it’s probably better that I don’t figure it out. I mean I’ll feel guilty and panicky after purging… but I feel guilty now.
I’d rather feel guilty and empty then guilty and full.
so fucking full.
so fucking fat.
today was a terrible, terrible day.
gonna cut tonight.
a lot.